I want more spoons...

Mornings are the worst.  Sometimes I wake up without the urgency to go and I lay there.  I love just laying there and feeling nothing.  It is priceless to me!  I snuggle deeper in the covers and just relax and soak up all the coziness and warmth that I can.  It is rare that I get these moments but when I do I really capitalize on them.  I get to feel normal again.

Other mornings I am springing out of bed, rushing to the bathroom.  Afterwards I climb back in bed and I contemplate how I am going to make it through the day.  I can usually tell when I am going to run out of spoons early that day.  Spoons you ask?  Yes spoons!  If you haven't heard about the "Spoon Theory" you may want to research it a little.  I'll give you a quick lesson on it.

The Spoon Theory was written by Christine Miserandino.  Christine and her best friend of many years was at a restaurant.  Christine took her medicine, as she has hundreds of times in front of her best friend, her friend asked her a question, "What is it like to have lupus and be sick?"  I think about if someone would ask me about UC.  How would I answer?  It's super hard to explain unless you are going through it, however Christine started grabbing spoons off tables.  She gave 12 spoons to her friend and said, "Here you go, you have lupus."

Christine explained that the difference between being sick and healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn't have to.  Most people will wake up in the morning with unlimited amount of possibilities and energy to do whatever they desire.  For the most part they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions.  For those with a chronic illness that is not the case.

So Christine wanted her friend to have something in her hand because as the theory went on she would show her friend how it felt to "lose" something because when you feel sick you do lose some form of "normal" you once knew or had.  First she was asked to count her spoons.  Why?  Because you have to know how many you have, how can you plan anything without knowing how much you have of something?  Next she was asked how she started her day.  

With excitement the friend rattled off the tasks she did during the morning.  Christine quickly stopped her and said, "No!  You don't just jump out of bed.  You crack your eyes open and realize you are late.  You didn't sleep well the night before so you crawl out of bed and then you have to make yourself something to eat just so you can take your medicine.  If you don't take your medicine you might as well get rid of all the spoons for today and tomorrow."  

Christine quickly took away a spoon.  She took a spoon for each simple task; showering, getting dressed, eating, brushing your hair, brushing your teeth, etc.  Before her friend knew it she was down to 6 spoons and she hadn't even left for work yet.  Her friend started to quickly understand.  Now she only had 6 more spoons and she had to make some hard choices about her daily tasks and how important it is to plan her day.  Standing in line cost a spoon.  Typing on the computer cost a spoon.  Even skipping lunch would cost a spoon! 

That is how the Spoon Theory was born!!  That my friends, is how I am feeling now days.  I am choosing wisely my spoons.  As I said, I feel I have taken steps backwards.  I feel super weak and tired every day.  Sometimes just getting out of bed is sheer exhaustion.  I ask myself often, how did I get here?  I don't know but to be honest, I want more spoons!