To be embarrassed or not...

A month or so ago I went to church.  My sister and her family decided to go to an early service so I hopped on board and was like, "Hey, ok!"  Little did I know what was laying in store for me.  I can say it was a humbling lesson for me to learn and one hard for me to write about.

I believe I have written about how mornings are such a struggle for me.  It is when everything gets to "working".  I am guaranteed to be in the bathroom at least 5 times, if not more.  For these reasons I really plan out my mornings and most of the time, they are spent sitting at my kitchen table reading the Word, drinking coffee, typing on my blog, surfing FaceBook, etc.  Pretty easy going mornings and most importantly only steps away from a bathroom.

Everything went well that morning.  Getting ready, hop in the truck, drive there,  finding my sister and her family, seeing mom there, and having my younger sister show up was amazing too.  It seemed a great morning for all.  The sermon was fantastic...just everything.

After the sermon, I did want to get some coffee and a donut.  I mean who wouldn't right?  The church puts out all these great goodies for you to enjoy.  Since I ran close to the time getting there I did not get my small cup of coffee before.  Mom was nice to wait for me and talk a little while I got the coffee and donut.  I made a small joke about the coffee and I headed to my truck.

I pay close attention while driving to my surroundings.  I mean I really have to so I know where everything is.  I know what you are thinking.  Yes, you probably have guessed it but let's tell the story anyways. 

I am driving down the parkway and just past the last exit before getting to mine.  I see these 2 dogs and one has obviously been hit.  A beautiful German Sheppard is having a hard time walking because it appears his back legs are dragging.  No one is behind me so I slow down to see if possibly there are dog tags so I can call an owner.  

As I sat there on the parkway and the dogs get closer the "urge" starts to creep up.  I make the decision that I must leave the German Sheppard and quickly get home.  I have less than 8 minutes and I am home.  5 minutes and I am at the gas station. 

I kick the truck into gear and I start driving.  The urge now is getting much worse.  At this time I am begging the good Lord to help me just get the exit.  He was not having it!  Not today!  I quickly pull over on the side of the road.  At this time I could care less what others think of me.  I was going to throw open the passenger side door and the back door and just hop a squat!  I am NOT lying to you!  This was happening.

You want to know what happened?  As I took that seatbelt off and opened up my door, everything let loose.  I crap you not!  I silently settle back into my seat, put my seatbelt on, and put the truck in gear.  Not even 2 minutes later another urge hits me.  At this point, what does it matter right?  I let it all out and only 2 minutes from that gas station.

I call Jeffrey and advise him to get towels ready.  I don't know what kind of mess I have.  As I drive up into the driveway, here he comes out with all the towels.  I make it out of the truck and straight to the shower.  Jeffrey quickly takes all the clothes and prewashes them and then goes out to the truck and proceeds to wash the seat. 

We seamlessly go about the tasks as if they are something we do every single day like nothing just happened.  This had to be one of my most humbling and embarrassing points of this disease and we did not make a huge ordeal of it.  Inside was a different story though.  Inside was a scar, a huge one!  I know I should not be embarrassed.  This is something I can't control or help, but is it really?  And this my friends is where the mental part of the disease can take over.  

I think about that day every day I get ready for church.  Does it keep me from going to church?  Sometimes it does and I battle these thoughts every time.  Other times I am strong that morning and I just plunge forward.  Life is difficult, nasty, and unforgiving at times but honestly, it can't control your world.  You have to live through these things to come out better on the other side.  That's where I am...coming out on the other side and I am starting to smile again.