To be embarrassed or not...

A month or so ago I went to church.  My sister and her family decided to go to an early service so I hopped on board and was like, "Hey, ok!"  Little did I know what was laying in store for me.  I can say it was a humbling lesson for me to learn and one hard for me to write about.

I believe I have written about how mornings are such a struggle for me.  It is when everything gets to "working".  I am guaranteed to be in the bathroom at least 5 times, if not more.  For these reasons I really plan out my mornings and most of the time, they are spent sitting at my kitchen table reading the Word, drinking coffee, typing on my blog, surfing FaceBook, etc.  Pretty easy going mornings and most importantly only steps away from a bathroom.

Everything went well that morning.  Getting ready, hop in the truck, drive there,  finding my sister and her family, seeing mom there, and having my younger sister show up was amazing too.  It seemed a great morning for all.  The sermon was fantastic...just everything.

After the sermon, I did want to get some coffee and a donut.  I mean who wouldn't right?  The church puts out all these great goodies for you to enjoy.  Since I ran close to the time getting there I did not get my small cup of coffee before.  Mom was nice to wait for me and talk a little while I got the coffee and donut.  I made a small joke about the coffee and I headed to my truck.

I pay close attention while driving to my surroundings.  I mean I really have to so I know where everything is.  I know what you are thinking.  Yes, you probably have guessed it but let's tell the story anyways. 

I am driving down the parkway and just past the last exit before getting to mine.  I see these 2 dogs and one has obviously been hit.  A beautiful German Sheppard is having a hard time walking because it appears his back legs are dragging.  No one is behind me so I slow down to see if possibly there are dog tags so I can call an owner.  

As I sat there on the parkway and the dogs get closer the "urge" starts to creep up.  I make the decision that I must leave the German Sheppard and quickly get home.  I have less than 8 minutes and I am home.  5 minutes and I am at the gas station. 

I kick the truck into gear and I start driving.  The urge now is getting much worse.  At this time I am begging the good Lord to help me just get the exit.  He was not having it!  Not today!  I quickly pull over on the side of the road.  At this time I could care less what others think of me.  I was going to throw open the passenger side door and the back door and just hop a squat!  I am NOT lying to you!  This was happening.

You want to know what happened?  As I took that seatbelt off and opened up my door, everything let loose.  I crap you not!  I silently settle back into my seat, put my seatbelt on, and put the truck in gear.  Not even 2 minutes later another urge hits me.  At this point, what does it matter right?  I let it all out and only 2 minutes from that gas station.

I call Jeffrey and advise him to get towels ready.  I don't know what kind of mess I have.  As I drive up into the driveway, here he comes out with all the towels.  I make it out of the truck and straight to the shower.  Jeffrey quickly takes all the clothes and prewashes them and then goes out to the truck and proceeds to wash the seat. 

We seamlessly go about the tasks as if they are something we do every single day like nothing just happened.  This had to be one of my most humbling and embarrassing points of this disease and we did not make a huge ordeal of it.  Inside was a different story though.  Inside was a scar, a huge one!  I know I should not be embarrassed.  This is something I can't control or help, but is it really?  And this my friends is where the mental part of the disease can take over.  

I think about that day every day I get ready for church.  Does it keep me from going to church?  Sometimes it does and I battle these thoughts every time.  Other times I am strong that morning and I just plunge forward.  Life is difficult, nasty, and unforgiving at times but honestly, it can't control your world.  You have to live through these things to come out better on the other side.  That's where I am...coming out on the other side and I am starting to smile again.

Inflammation, is there help...

Inflammation...what a dirty word to me!  It has completely ravished my colon for the past 7 months.  To say inflammation is understood by me daily is an understatement.  So I have decided it is time to dig a little deeper into how to get the inflammation down from the inside out instead of the outside in.

One of the many times I was in the bathroom I picked up a magazine and ran across this very interesting statement, "Omega-3 fatty acids play an important role in keeping your body's cells strong and protecting them against compounds called free radicals, which attack your cells and can lead to inflammation."  Hmmmmm, so there is a way to cut back on inflammation just by what I put in my body.  I mean I always knew this because I was a raw vegan for a reason at one time, but this was really starting to sink in a little more.  The research was on!

Omega-3's come from both animal and plant sources.  We all know that fish is a huge source of Omega-3.  I was not surprised at all the see the main sources of plant based Omega-3's to be flaxseed, chia seed, and hemp.  I will admit I have 2 of these sources in my kitchen right now.  I use one every day in my smoothie and will write about that another day.  I just might start adding the other today.

Now there is another component to all this too.  We can not forget about Omega-6.  You must have a balance between the two.  The ratio should be 1:1 however in our society today we have created a ratio of 20:1 to 50:1.  We are really a gluttony society.  Why have we made Omega-6's such a huge part of our diet?

Let's look at where we get our Omega-6's.  The sources are corn, soy...seriously I should just stop right there.  You do realize that an enormous amount of our food is made with just these 2 ingredients, right?  I will continue though; canola oil, safflower oil, and sunflower oil.  Are you making the connection yet how that ratio got so high?  There are many more sources but these are some of the main ones.

We are told to constantly increase our Omega-3 to get ourselves in balance.  Would it not make sense to decrease the Omega-6 instead.  Too much Omega-3 can lead to issues too.  Research at the Michigan State University found that feeding mice large quantities of Omega-3 lead to increased risks of colitis and immune alteration.  Very interesting for me.  Let me put it in more simpler terms, excessive amounts of Omega-3's can alter your immune function.  This is your body's way of protecting itself against EVERYTHING!

I am not trying to preach here, I am trying to figure out what I can do to help my medications along.  I know I must take my Humeria.  I know eventually, it will start to bring down my inflammation so that healing can begin.  Until the inflammation is gone I can not heal, it's that simple.  I am taking a stand to help this process along by giving my body what it needs in order to fight the good fight alongside my medication.  Let's see where this leads me.

 

It's time to get going...

I use to wonder how people filled their days.  I mean it's 8 hours Jeffrey is at work, how could I possibly find enough to do?  I have a lot of time now days since I am unable to work and I have figured out that answer...you web surf!  Oh yeah, I mean hours and hours.  You set down in front of the computer and before you know it the clock has struck noon.  Where did all the time go?  

I have been searching about weakness and UC.  It seems to be the norm. I have also looked at my bloodwork recently and I am vitamin D deficient along with many other vitamins.  My inflamed tummy doesn't allow all the nutrients to enter my system so I totally understand the need to supplement.  I also understand the concept that the more you sit the more your body weakens.  That brings me to "It's time to get going!"  Seriously though, I am tired.  I mean T.I.R.E.D!  I don't feel like getting up and walking.

How do I combat this tiredness?  I just do it!  I get up and put on those walking shoes.  I get on the treadmill and push the button.  I finally did this yesterday and can I share all the thoughts running through my head?  Great!  

• Am I going to have to go to the bathroom?
• Will I make it?
• Why are my legs like rubber?
• Oh my goodness, I feel like I am going to fall.
• Has it always been this hard to walk?
• Really?  I'm only going 2.5
• Should I push past only one lap?
• What it I push too hard?
• What if I don't push enough?
• Do you think this will really help?
• How long will it take me to get back to normal?
• Why am I even worried about this?
• Just enjoy the walk.
• At least you are moving.
• Don't you feel better?

All of this in like 6 minutes.  I only went one lap.  Yes, only a .25 mile.  Really?  Yes, really and it is ok.  I know I use to walk close to 14 miles a day but I am so happy with my quarter mile.  We all have to start somewhere.  This quarter mile gives me hope that next week I may work myself up to half a mile.  One day I will make it back to me.  That is the only thing that keeps me moving...one day I will make it back to me!  

Goals, who really needs them...

Goals, do I really need them?  How do I make UC goals?  I mean I have no control, right?  Wrong!  Every day I get up, even if it is a struggle, I make goals.  Ok let's be more practical about it, I make tasks.  I am always striving for REAL goals but tasks are great for now.

I started thinking about the new year and what I wanted out of it.  First off I had to take UC out of the question.  How can I do that?  UC is something I can't control 100%.  It's an auto immune disease that flares on it's own and does whatever it wants.  I can cut down some of the symptoms  by watching what I eat, but in reality it is what it is. What is it I want?  I want to be healthy and strong.  How do I obtain that?  Now we are talking!  

The past few days I have been feeling stronger.  I don't know why, I just have.  I have a few episodes where all the energy is drained and I must rest a few minutes/hours, however there has been yet another change.  I just can't figure out what that change is or how I got it, but to be honest I am thrilled about it!  That excitement rolled into, "Man I am feeling better, how can I maintain this?"  Hence where I am today thinking about goals.

I have been so enjoying my smoothies every day.  Yes, awesome green smoothies too!  I have my favorite of a handful of spinach, handful of pineapple, half a pear, half an apple and a banana.  Yummy!  I have to add the doctor prescribed Benefiber to it.  I don't knw why, the smoothie has enough fiber but it's his orders and I am following. 

I was very surprised this did not upset my tummy like it has before.  I am super stoked about this and it has helped me make a first REAL goal of 2 weeks straight on the smoothies before I introduce more healthier things in my life.  You see, recently my tummy has only allowed all the yucky, disgusting and unhealthy choices for me.  I have been eating fast food and I HATE that!  Now it's time to get back to me.

My next REAL goal?  Walking!  The simple task of walking.  While I was a mail carrier I was walking almost 14 miles a day.  I have spent September, October, November and December doing nothing but walking through the house and that was only if I felt good.  There are times I barely made it to the couch and I just laid there.  

I will start my walking this Monday.  Jeffrey, my boyfriend, laughs at me because he thinks I should start it as soon as I decide.  I just can't! I am one who needs that fresh start.  So Monday it is.  I am a little worried because guys I am soooo weak.  I mean I shake and my legs feel like jello, however I know this IS going to help me.

So the answer of "Goals, who needs them?" is an astounding ME!  I need them.  How about you?  Do you think goals are important or not?  Why? 

Let's conquer the day today!  I am hoping tomorrow is just as great AND have a very Merry Christmas!

I want more spoons...

Mornings are the worst.  Sometimes I wake up without the urgency to go and I lay there.  I love just laying there and feeling nothing.  It is priceless to me!  I snuggle deeper in the covers and just relax and soak up all the coziness and warmth that I can.  It is rare that I get these moments but when I do I really capitalize on them.  I get to feel normal again.

Other mornings I am springing out of bed, rushing to the bathroom.  Afterwards I climb back in bed and I contemplate how I am going to make it through the day.  I can usually tell when I am going to run out of spoons early that day.  Spoons you ask?  Yes spoons!  If you haven't heard about the "Spoon Theory" you may want to research it a little.  I'll give you a quick lesson on it.

The Spoon Theory was written by Christine Miserandino.  Christine and her best friend of many years was at a restaurant.  Christine took her medicine, as she has hundreds of times in front of her best friend, her friend asked her a question, "What is it like to have lupus and be sick?"  I think about if someone would ask me about UC.  How would I answer?  It's super hard to explain unless you are going through it, however Christine started grabbing spoons off tables.  She gave 12 spoons to her friend and said, "Here you go, you have lupus."

Christine explained that the difference between being sick and healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn't have to.  Most people will wake up in the morning with unlimited amount of possibilities and energy to do whatever they desire.  For the most part they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions.  For those with a chronic illness that is not the case.

So Christine wanted her friend to have something in her hand because as the theory went on she would show her friend how it felt to "lose" something because when you feel sick you do lose some form of "normal" you once knew or had.  First she was asked to count her spoons.  Why?  Because you have to know how many you have, how can you plan anything without knowing how much you have of something?  Next she was asked how she started her day.  

With excitement the friend rattled off the tasks she did during the morning.  Christine quickly stopped her and said, "No!  You don't just jump out of bed.  You crack your eyes open and realize you are late.  You didn't sleep well the night before so you crawl out of bed and then you have to make yourself something to eat just so you can take your medicine.  If you don't take your medicine you might as well get rid of all the spoons for today and tomorrow."  

Christine quickly took away a spoon.  She took a spoon for each simple task; showering, getting dressed, eating, brushing your hair, brushing your teeth, etc.  Before her friend knew it she was down to 6 spoons and she hadn't even left for work yet.  Her friend started to quickly understand.  Now she only had 6 more spoons and she had to make some hard choices about her daily tasks and how important it is to plan her day.  Standing in line cost a spoon.  Typing on the computer cost a spoon.  Even skipping lunch would cost a spoon! 

That is how the Spoon Theory was born!!  That my friends, is how I am feeling now days.  I am choosing wisely my spoons.  As I said, I feel I have taken steps backwards.  I feel super weak and tired every day.  Sometimes just getting out of bed is sheer exhaustion.  I ask myself often, how did I get here?  I don't know but to be honest, I want more spoons!  

Something Changed...

A couple of weeks ago I noticed something changed.  I must admit I wasn't very happy about the change and I am still on the fence about it.  Let me get real here for a moment though...this blog is about UC so I am going to talk poop!  Now that's behind me, lets get back to it!

I got up with the urgency "to go".  Geesh how that one little thing controls my world.  I even talked to the doctor about it.  He says he completely understands, "It's like you want to fart but you never know if it's going to be wet, right?"  I'm going to let you in on a secret, it's ALWAYS wet for me.  So there is no gently letting the air out and hoping it doesn't stink. I haven't truly farted in 6 months!  I know, the simple things in life.

Back to getting up with the urgency...I sit myself down on the toilet ready for the wet fart.  That is NOT what happened!  I start to get clammy, dizzy and my mouth is watering so bad.  I grab the trash can just to get the saliva out of my mouth.  I know I am going to throw up.  I hate throwing up! I start dry heaving, which by the way is much better than actually throwing up. In the process of all that, I actually went to the bathroom.  Amazing, huh?  AND it wasn't just what I would call "fluffy" poop, it was real poop!

Those of us with these types of issues have a vast knowledge of the Bristol Stool Chart.  It's common talk in our household.  Here it is so you know what I am talking about.  I say my "fluffy" poop is number 6.

Woo hoo!  After 6 months people I have PRODUCED a real piece of poop!  I know it is hard to believe how exciting this could be for someone, but I was somewhat excited about it.  If only I could figure out why I got so sick when I did it.

I did present this to my doctor and he was very quick to answer.  Y'all this is normal!  Say what?  Yes!  Since my colon is so inflamed it is working very, very hard.  When I need to go my blood pressure drops quickly and the body's mechanism starts the whole process of getting clammy, dizzy, etc.  I was like, "Yeah right."  A little research told me that I was wrong, many people face this same issue while going to the bathroom.  At least I haven't passed out yet and I am super happy about that.

This is just one of the many things that I face every day.  I know I am not alone out here having the feelings I do.  I just want to help others through this process.  It may be embarrassing for me to tell you all the THINGS but honestly this helps me tremendously and I hope it reaches someone in the same boat.  There will be a day we can look at this and say, "This is why I am as strong as I am today!"  Until that one day comes, walk with me on my journey!

Getting it out of my head...

Hello, my name is Michelle.  I am a 46 year old woman who was diagnosed 2.5 years ago with Ulcerative Colitis.  Although it was devastating 2.5 years ago to receive that diagnosis, it definitely did not prepare me for what I am facing every day now. 

Let's get a little background for you.  No I won't tell you my whole life story so this will be pretty short, sweet and to the point.  I am a veteran and this is the only medical that I have so when I got deathly sick in February 2015, the Marion IL VA Medical Hospital is where I turned to.  I was admitted and diagnosed with UC.  See, pretty quick and to the point. 

Let's fast forward to the summer/fall and now winter of 2017.  In the summer I did fight with my VA doctor begging for them to help me with my FMLA paperwork for work because they never wrote it correctly and it kept being declined.  It never failed that come summertime with my job, a City Carrier walking 14 miles a day, that I would go into a flare-up.  It NEVER failed!  Hence the reach out to my doctor to get this paperwork fixed!  I did not want to loose my job.  I am forever grateful that my doctor did request an outside GI doctor for me and I am now in their care.  

I must say I appreciate all that I receive from the VA.  I am thankful that they can provide the medical needs to so many, however for a specialty...please ask to seek a civilian/outside specialist.  For the 2.5 years I have been on my medicine the VA has not exactly monitored my disease.  As a result the UC has taken control of my whole colon and I now have the worse case of UC, pan colitis. 

My doctors are now fighting to take back control of my colon and rectum.  Yes, we could just cut it all out and be done with it.  Believe me I have thought about it often during this past few months.  I have never felt so bad, rotten, horrible, miserable...ALL the THINGS as I do now, however I have faith.  That's all I have and I am running with it as far as my legs, mind, body and soul will carry it.  

I decided to share my journey with you.  It helps me to get all the thoughts out of my head so I can face the day.  I hope that seeing a small glimpse of my life can impact yours.  Not everyone understands UC.  Some just need to connect with others who have it so they feel they are not alone.  While others just need or want information so they can help and connect to loved ones.  There are so many reasons for me to share my journey, so if you know someone who needs or wants this help be sure to share my blog.  I am not an expert about UC, just someone who lives with it every day.